Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Disappointment Revealed

I am humbled that anyone actually takes the time to read my blog!  Thank you for stopping by and I pray that you glean something worthwhile!  I hope that you can make your own silk purse today!

I don't usually write about things that God is showing me immediately.  It takes me awhile to process it and figure out how to express it so that (hopefully) it makes sense.  A couple of weeks ago (DURING my I'm not going to yell experiment) I had something really disappointing happen.  I can't go into the details but I'll try to make you understand what I was feeling.  I had made a decision.  I was in the position to make the decision.  I did not overstep my bounds.  Several people had a problem with my decision. Not just a problem-they were offended! ACK!  That was definitely not my intent.  I was crushed.  I went to my room and just bawled.  I felt like I failed. This is were Satan attacks us: at our low points.  I then started spiraling to the point of thinking that everything I did in life was a failure.  I WAS a failure.  My sweet husband gave me room.  He left me alone.  He knew I was upset.  I NEEDED to cry.  I still felt bad but I did feel like I had let it out.  I still questioned why God let this happen.  I had stepped out in a leadership position and was squashed.  Why would He allow that to happen?  Oh, he answered alright.

I went down stairs and the kiddos were eating ice cream.  All of a sudden my son got up, laid on the floor, and wouldn't move.  He wouldn't tell us what was wrong.  He started crying.  Not just crying, but bawling.  Just like his momma had done upstairs.  After about 15 minutes I got him to sit in my lap and I just held him.  After about another 15 minutes he was calm enough for us to talk.  Now the turtle boy does not tell me much of what is going on.  I have to dig like I'm searching for buried treasure.  Some paths lead nowhere.  I asked if it was about his friend at school (who was having surgery)?  Nope.  I asked if he was mad at someone?  Nope.  Was he sick?  Nope.  ARGH!  What is wrong!  Now remember, I am in my no yelling phase.  Finally, I asked if he thought I was going to get mad.  He said yes!  Ahhhh!  Ok, so with some promises of not getting mad, he finally told me.  He was disappointed that he had his ice cream in a bowl.  He remembered when he finished it that we had cones and he REALLY wanted ice cream in a cone.  Seriously?  Is that what this last half hour has been about?

So it wasn't until the next day that I put the two together (I hope by reading this, you already have!)  I was at my Bible study discussing it with one of the moms.  She suggested during our 10 minute journaling time, that I write about it.  So that's what I did.  And then THAT'S when God answered.  He very succinctly told me, that my son felt the disappointment of the ice cream as much as I had felt the disappointment of  being chastised for a decision.  Neither episode was earth shattering.  I wasn't going to die because of the decision I made.  My son was going to live if he didn't have his ice cream in a cone.  It really didn't matter in the scheme of what God wants for either of us.  It really opened my eyes to how my son feels.  When he feels something, he feels it BIG!  BIG happy, BIG sad, BIG disappointment.  There isn't little anything in my family (except for my feet!)  But the best part of this was that I realized, for both my son and myself, that God was WITH us in the disappointment.  He didn't leave and go on a vacation.  He didn't say that our disappointment didn't matter.  He was with us, holding us, just as I had my little boy.  Know that he his holding you today.  No matter the struggle or the trial.  He is.

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